Colossal Movie Geek: First Impressions

My pappy use to always say, 'you never get a second chance at a first impression.' He also said 'if there's grass on the field, play ball,' but that's neither here nor there. First impressions often dictate the type of relationship the parties involved will have, and when it comes to television, first impressions lie in their "introductions."

You know what I'm talking about. It is at the very start of a program, when titles and credits are rolled with a catchy tune and flashy graphics. Some televisions introductions have risen to incredible heights, painting a brilliant mosaic of the programs themes, inner dialogue and spirit. Other television introductions seem to be created by a team of autistic babies.

How can you tell when you are watching a intro-masterpiece? It's when you know the exact moment Eriq LaSalle takes a knee with a claw/hammer punch combination. It's when the entire Winslow family is pushing the door shut on 95 pound Steven Q. Urkel. It's the feeling of knowing for the next 30-60 minutes you will be in good hands. Here are the elite that employ a bevy of tactics to keep viewers hooked.

Growing Pains

You can't get any better than a cheezy duet to introduce a show. The woman singing sounds like Stevie Nicks on whippets and the guy could be the host of karaoke night at a sleazy bar in Reno. But use them as the back drop to the evolving Seaver family, and it makes you want to be adopted. This introduction encompasses what the 80s introductions were all about. Bad song, bad hair, and Kirk Cameron.

Dexter

Fun fact about the song being played as our favorite psychopathic serial killer gets ready for work: human bones were used to make certain noises in the song. If that doesn't get you in the mindset for an hour of stalking and merking, you might need to talk to someone.

What I really love about this introduction is how gruesome the most menial things can look with the right sound effects and camera angles. Even squeezing your own juice can look like a scene straight from Midnight Meat Train.

Per television critic Jim Emerson, "The first time you see it... it tells you everything you need to know about the character." This intro is so good it won an Emmy in 2007 for "Outstanding Main Title Design", while the title music was also nominated for "Outstanding Original Main Title Theme Music" in the same season.

The Wonder Years

Is it acceptable to cry during an introduction? If you were my age growing up, there was no greater toil to the prepubescent mind then Miss Winnie Cooper. This "home video" really drove home the themes of The Wonder Years. You had the whole dysfunctional family. The 'take no bullshit' dad, the peppy mom, hippie sister and rat-bastard brother. Throw in the geeky friend and the girl of every twelve-year-olds dreams, and you got yourself a tour of a great introduction.

And how could I not mention the song? Joe Cocker gets nostalgic with a little help from his friends and belts out a keeper that resonates with the young and old. Now if I could only have the moronic robber from Home Alone be my inner-dialogue.....

Baywatch

This introduction is so good, it needs to be in slow-motion the entire time for our brains to process its awesomeness. Being a former professional aquatics life protector myself, I understand the peril and dangers of the water. Good thing every woman on this show had their own set of flotation devices. Hayo! Rimshot! I'm lonely.

Quantum Leap

My guess is that the majority of you will not remember this sci-fi classic. However, my brother and I never missed an episode. The brilliance of this intro is that you can watch it and know exactly what is going on without seeing a previous episode.

Plus, check out those futuristic threads! Adults get to wear footsies in the future? Sign me up for that cryogenic freezing business, and for the love of god, freeze me in this:

Friends

There's a good chance I'll get my man-card revoked for writing about this, but EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about when I mention the mid-clap, clap, clap, clap break during this introduction. The precision that had to be taken during the editing of this introduction is crucial. I'm assuming this is how the creative team discussed the crafting of this intro:

"Okay, on the count of three, they all need open their multi-colored umbrellas at the exact moment the song begins takeoff."

"Right. Also, Ross has to dance like he has epilepsy and is about to go into convulsions."

"Sounds good, but is there anyway we can dress them as if Boyz II Men just had a major wardrobe malfunction?"

"I think we can swing that. As long as Matt Le Blanc gets to wear his favorite turtle neck shirt I think we're good."

AND scene.

Get Smart

I have yet to watch this remake with Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway. Partly because I heard it was garbage and partly because of my fierce loyalty to the original program. The beauty of this introduction is the changing of cars every season. You know if Max was rolling in a 1969 Opel GT at the start, you were witnessing the latter episodes, with Max and Agent 99 getting married and having kids. If he was driving a 1965 Sunbeam Tiger, you were starting fresh at the start. It's all about the details in introductions.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

A six-pack goes to whoever e-mails me the complete lyrics to this gem. 'Nuff said.

The Sopranos

Straight from a college essay I wrote (got an A, no big deal):

From the opening credits, one can see a life of constant contradiction. The pale, squeezed knuckles resting upon two bear-like arms. The lazy smoke billowing from a cartoonish cigar, a symbol of menacing power. The non-digenetic music with lyrics of murder and violence. With this intro, one can only think that they are witnessing the introduction of a heinous villain, a man whose moral ideologies are found in the slums and gutters. But the end of the introduction concludes at a suburban, family-welcoming home. So is the life of Tony Soprano, a flawed-antihero whose life is in constant check with the numerous contradictions in his life. Tony must deal with these contradictions every minute, whether it is the battle between his two families, the code he has taken clashing with his therapy treatment, or his own moral feelings, this contemporary mob boss has more issues than his “golden era” counterparts.

Wondering what one does with a degree in communications? You're looking at it.

The Simpsons

The creme de la creme. Big Daddy Warbucks. By far the greatest introduction to a television program EVER. Thematically, it shows a day-in-the-life of the great town of Springfield. Through the viewpoint of the First Royal Family of TV, we are welcomed by every character in this town and their major malfunctions. It's a tour of Americana at its finest.

As if it wasn't already amazing enough, every episode has a unique spin to it. Bart writing fresh sentences repeatedly and the mad-dash to the sofa differ for each and every episode, giving a genuine unique feeling to every introduction.