Father Knows Best

I lucked out when it came to parents. They taught me everything I needed to know, and I taught them how many times their son could be handcuffed and/or placed in detention. Half of that equation, my dad, is the most ballin' father ever.

So in honor of pops, here are my top ten fathers in film. Some are good, some are evil. All are fathers.

10. Professor Henry Jones - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

What better way to kick off the list than with Indiana Jone's father, Henry. Played by Sean Connery, the cagey old man was not only banging the same chick as his son, he was the driving force for Indy to grab the grail.

Mix in fighting Nazi's, helping his son relinquish his search for the grail, and drinking from the same cup as Jesus H. Christo, Professor Henry Jones was one good dad.

9. George Banks - Father of the Bride

This dad had a lot on his plate. Handing his only daughter off to some random kid, dropping thousands of dollars for the wedding, and Martin Short's flamboyant character, Franck Eggelhoffer. Did I also mention a blue suit at a wedding? Mr. Banks still pulled it out and gave me one the closest man tear moments for any Steve Martin movie.

Let us not forget about Father of the Bride 2. George Banks knocks up his wifey the same time his daughter is about to pop one out? Give this dad a man-card.

8. Jack Torrence - The Shining

Okay, so he tried to kill his son. Big whoop, want to fight about it? Before chasing his boy down for a beating of epic proportions, Mr. Torrence talked to ghosts, typed the same sentence thousands of times, and went generally batshit crazy. Good dad? No. Good psychopathic killer? Absolutely. Heeeeeeeeerrrrreeeee's a shitty dad!

7. Wayne Szalinksi - Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Having a dad who is a bird-brained inventor has to be some of the most fun on the planet. He had a contraption that looked like a ray-gun that could destroy the world, and he keeps it in the attic, unlocked. Not the best call a dad can make, but let's face it, that was one fun adventure thanks to Mr. Dad himself, Wayne Szalinksi.

And if shrinking the kids was not enough, he blew up his baby a couple years later. Give kudos to the mother one that one though, she saved the day and allowed my pre-pubescent self to oggle at Keri Russell for a little longer than necessary.

6. Don Vito Corleone - The Godfather

Let me make an offer you can't refuse.  This movie father gave his son one of the best gifts possible, control of the most cut throat, deadly mafia in movie history.

Don Vito Corleone was quiet and carried a big stick.  That stick being an uzi and a nack for business.  If only he didn't enjoy oranges so much.

5.  Jason 'Furious' Styles - Boyz in the Hood

Talk about an uphill battle.  How do you steer your only son in the right direction when living in Compton?  Guns, drugs, gangs, and Jason Styles helps his boy grow up into a decent dude.

Fun fact:  Laurence Fishburne, who plays Jason Styles, is only six and a half years older than Cuba Gooding Jr., who plays his son.

4.  Daniel Hillard/Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire - Mrs. Doubtfire

Oh good god.  Robin Williams as a desparate dad who dresses up like a post-menopausal, sweet old nanny for some QT with his kids.  

Over-acting has never been so good.  

3.  Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellam, Jack Holden - 3 Men and a Baby

Talk about the top 3 actors of the 80s.  Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Gutch-Gutch himself, Steve Guttenberg.  You put these three together, and you have one decent dad.

These high-life bachelors were living the good life until one of their girlfriends drops a baby off at their doorstep.  Let the comedy ensue!

Seriously though, these womanizing, go-getters ended up being such successful dads, they opted for 3 Men and a Little Lady.

2.  Darth Vader - Stars Wars

By far the worst father on this list.  What a son of a bitch.  Kidnap your own daughter, strike one.  Cut off your son's arm, strike two.  Add salt to the wound by announcing, "hey by the way, I am your daddy!"  Strike-fucking-three.

Although he does redeem himself in the end, the damage is done.  Homeboy killed nearly everyone he cared about, and did it in a gruesome fashion.  Plus The Phantom Menace was absolutely atrocious.  Shame on you young pade-won.

1.  Clark Griswald - Vacation Movies

Oh Clark.  You tried so hard.  All he wanted to do was have some great family bonding.  While the first vacation ended with one dead aunt, one dead dog, and a hostage situation, Clark's goal was met.  The family made it to Wally World and rode the ride.

Let us not forget the great father-son moment when Clark and Rusty share a beer.  Clark takes a sip, Rusty finishes the rest.

Christmas vacation was almost just as good.  The sleigh ride showed his knack for danger, getting stuck in the attic showed his commitment to surprising his family, and what father wouldn't want his whole family there for the holidays (even if that includes Cousin Eddy).

Big ups to Mike Welch and Kellen Woods for their input on the list.