Dave and HBO - Like the Ross and Rachel of Media Relations

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Father Knows Best

I lucked out when it came to parents. They taught me everything I needed to know, and I taught them how many times their son could be handcuffed and/or placed in detention. Half of that equation, my dad, is the most ballin' father ever.

So in honor of pops, here are my top ten fathers in film. Some are good, some are evil. All are fathers.

10. Professor Henry Jones - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

What better way to kick off the list than with Indiana Jone's father, Henry. Played by Sean Connery, the cagey old man was not only banging the same chick as his son, he was the driving force for Indy to grab the grail.

Mix in fighting Nazi's, helping his son relinquish his search for the grail, and drinking from the same cup as Jesus H. Christo, Professor Henry Jones was one good dad.

9. George Banks - Father of the Bride

This dad had a lot on his plate. Handing his only daughter off to some random kid, dropping thousands of dollars for the wedding, and Martin Short's flamboyant character, Franck Eggelhoffer. Did I also mention a blue suit at a wedding? Mr. Banks still pulled it out and gave me one the closest man tear moments for any Steve Martin movie.

Let us not forget about Father of the Bride 2. George Banks knocks up his wifey the same time his daughter is about to pop one out? Give this dad a man-card.

8. Jack Torrence - The Shining

Okay, so he tried to kill his son. Big whoop, want to fight about it? Before chasing his boy down for a beating of epic proportions, Mr. Torrence talked to ghosts, typed the same sentence thousands of times, and went generally batshit crazy. Good dad? No. Good psychopathic killer? Absolutely. Heeeeeeeeerrrrreeeee's a shitty dad!

7. Wayne Szalinksi - Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Having a dad who is a bird-brained inventor has to be some of the most fun on the planet. He had a contraption that looked like a ray-gun that could destroy the world, and he keeps it in the attic, unlocked. Not the best call a dad can make, but let's face it, that was one fun adventure thanks to Mr. Dad himself, Wayne Szalinksi.

And if shrinking the kids was not enough, he blew up his baby a couple years later. Give kudos to the mother one that one though, she saved the day and allowed my pre-pubescent self to oggle at Keri Russell for a little longer than necessary.

6. Don Vito Corleone - The Godfather

Let me make an offer you can't refuse.  This movie father gave his son one of the best gifts possible, control of the most cut throat, deadly mafia in movie history.

Don Vito Corleone was quiet and carried a big stick.  That stick being an uzi and a nack for business.  If only he didn't enjoy oranges so much.

5.  Jason 'Furious' Styles - Boyz in the Hood

Talk about an uphill battle.  How do you steer your only son in the right direction when living in Compton?  Guns, drugs, gangs, and Jason Styles helps his boy grow up into a decent dude.

Fun fact:  Laurence Fishburne, who plays Jason Styles, is only six and a half years older than Cuba Gooding Jr., who plays his son.

4.  Daniel Hillard/Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire - Mrs. Doubtfire

Oh good god.  Robin Williams as a desparate dad who dresses up like a post-menopausal, sweet old nanny for some QT with his kids.  

Over-acting has never been so good.  

3.  Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellam, Jack Holden - 3 Men and a Baby

Talk about the top 3 actors of the 80s.  Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Gutch-Gutch himself, Steve Guttenberg.  You put these three together, and you have one decent dad.

These high-life bachelors were living the good life until one of their girlfriends drops a baby off at their doorstep.  Let the comedy ensue!

Seriously though, these womanizing, go-getters ended up being such successful dads, they opted for 3 Men and a Little Lady.

2.  Darth Vader - Stars Wars

By far the worst father on this list.  What a son of a bitch.  Kidnap your own daughter, strike one.  Cut off your son's arm, strike two.  Add salt to the wound by announcing, "hey by the way, I am your daddy!"  Strike-fucking-three.

Although he does redeem himself in the end, the damage is done.  Homeboy killed nearly everyone he cared about, and did it in a gruesome fashion.  Plus The Phantom Menace was absolutely atrocious.  Shame on you young pade-won.

1.  Clark Griswald - Vacation Movies

Oh Clark.  You tried so hard.  All he wanted to do was have some great family bonding.  While the first vacation ended with one dead aunt, one dead dog, and a hostage situation, Clark's goal was met.  The family made it to Wally World and rode the ride.

Let us not forget the great father-son moment when Clark and Rusty share a beer.  Clark takes a sip, Rusty finishes the rest.

Christmas vacation was almost just as good.  The sleigh ride showed his knack for danger, getting stuck in the attic showed his commitment to surprising his family, and what father wouldn't want his whole family there for the holidays (even if that includes Cousin Eddy).

Big ups to Mike Welch and Kellen Woods for their input on the list.

Getchya Popcorn Ready

Ahh...Summer time. When people enjoy pool parties, barbecues, and camping trips. Too bad I am not one of those people. Instead I am waiting tables, watching hours of movies and TV shows, and making sure my well-maintained winter tan isn't ruined. What better way to keep everything on an even keel than hitting the theaters once a week for the usual summer blockbusters.

We are already well into the summer movie season and have had some surprise gems (Iron Man) and some colossal disappointments (I knew Indiana Jones was going to be a let down as soon as he survived a nuclear fucking attack). I will be going to the theaters at least once a week from here on out, so here is my preview for what I am going to see.


June 13

The Incredible Hulk

Ed Norton is Mr. Consistent when it comes to movies. Fight Club. Red Dragon. Death to Smoochy. Okay, lose the third one and Mr. Norton is still one of Hollywood's brightest. Enter The Incredible Hulk, in which Gamma-Ray-Ridden fugitive Dr. Bruce Banner must utilize the genetic accident that transforms him into the world's worst roid' rage case to stop a homicidal soldier that turns himself into one giant, ugly son of a bitch.


Norton, the fanboy geek that he is, co-wrote the script and had a lot of say in the decisions for the film. Since my hetero-man-crush on Norton has already been well established, I am there with gamma-ray-ridden bells on.


Get jacked on these clips.

The Happening

I chose to stay away from M. Night Shyamalan's last dud, Lady in the Water. I still liked Signs, Unbreakable, and like everyone else, The Sixth Sense. This time around M. Night has put on his daddy pants and is ready to kick it R style.


The Happening stars Marky Mark Wahlberg and a funky bunch that includes Zooey Deschnanel and John Leguizamo. It's a paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity. That large-scale threat being that people are started to kill themselves in the rowdiest ways possible. Seriously, who would off their self by sprawling out in front of an industrial lawn mower?


M. Night better get R. Tight. As in real tight. Because if this film ends up deserving to off itself, my loyalty for this wack-job director is as good as a Jager shot in front of one of my friends at last call. GONE.


June 20

Get Smart

For you young whippersnappers, this film is based on an old Mel Brooks TV show that I watched religiously on Nick at Nite. Get Smart revolves around a top-secret government agency called CONTROL and their number one bumbling idiot agent, Maxwell Smart, who always gets the job done.


I think I gravitated to Agent Smart because he was a hero as well as an uncoordinated mess who also happened to bag ultra-foxy Agent 99.


This time around Maxwell Smart is played by Steve Carrell, who has some explaining to do after Dan in Real Life (pretentious), and Evan Almighty (retarded). Agent 99 is played by Anne Hathaway as well as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Agent 23.


I am genuinely jacked up for this one, and I have my fingers crossed that The Rock doesn't ruin this movie for me with a corny eye-brow raise or by attempting to act whatsoever.


June 27

Wanted

Everyone dreams of living an adventurous life. Some see that as being a professional athlete, some see it as being a fireman. I see it as being a murderous assassin.

Wanted is one my most anticipated movies for three reasons. First, it's based on a graphic novel (comic book for the cool kids out there). How much ass did Sin City and 300 kick? Exactly. And this movie should not be any less. The graphic novel was written by Mike Millar, who worked on X-Men as well as Spiderman.

Second, these assassins have the ability to curve bullets. That might be the most bad ass skill since Neo dodged bullets in The Matrix. If I could curve bullets, I would use a gun for everything. Turning on lights, opening beers, getting people to move out of my way at bars, it would be like my cane. Get me whatever spinach these assassins are eating so I can start blasting my 9 mili' ASAP.

Finally, this ensemble of actors seems to have the right combination. James McAvoy straight killed it in Atonement, Morgan Freeman is one of my all time favorites, and Angelina Jolie, well, it's Angelina Jolie. I would curve bullets for her.

July 2

Hancock

It is the superhero movie for raging alcoholics. Hancock, starring Old' Yeller impersonator Will Smith, is about a depressed, alcoholic guy with superhuman powers and uses them for good and/or destroying property in the process. Can you imagine how much fun it would be to drink a couple cool ones and then do some drunk flying? Think about all the free drinks you could win at the bars with bets. For example: "I bet you 20 shots I can fly." BAM, free drinks the whole night.

Anyways, Will Smith still draws me to the theaters and Charlize Theron as the female lead and

Teen Wolf Too himself, Jason Bateman (he was also in Arrested Development and Juno) as the sidekick comic relief makes Hancock one I am marking my calender for.

July 3

The Wackness

Hey, remember the 90's? Not the shitty, mainstream 90's that VH1 always has untalented, wittless comedians talking about, but the real 90's. Well, The Wackness revisits those golden years circa Luke Shapiro (played by Drake and Josh's Josh Peck), a recent high school grad that slangs dope to save money for college in NYC.

It was a hit at Sundance, it has Sir Ben Kingsley ripping a bong, and it has Famke Janssen, Mary Kate Olsen, and Method Man in the cast. See you there.

July 17

The Dark Knight

Let me put this into perspective. I have been waiting for The Dark Knight like a fat kid waits for his friends birthday so he can gorge himself out on cake and ice cream. For you loyalists, you know how much I rant about the viral marketing that has been fueling the hype for this flick, and of course, the death of Heath Ledger was tragic. Along with the success of Batman Begins, this movie has an opportunity to smash box office records.

I went to the IMAX showing of I Am Legend that had the first five minutes of The Dark Knight. It was a robbery scene involving the Joker, and if those five minutes are anything like the rest of the flick, Spiderman 2 and X2: X-Men United will have some stiff competition for the greatest superhero film yet.

It seems like a mix of Heat and Batman Begins, with the chaos of a psychopathic clown that uses shivs and knives as much as he laughs (creepily laughs). Let me put this into perspective. If I had the opportunity to see this movie right now on the condition that I name my first born Small Dick Pussy Loser, well, Sorry Small Dick Pussy Loser, I hope you have some thick skin.

August 8

The Pineapple Express

Judd Apatow has become Hollywoods permanent source of untapped material. The 40-Year-Old-Virgin was mind-blowingly hilarious, Knocked Up showed laughs and heart, and Superbad had me using direct quotes in real life situations for months afterward (Chicka chicka, McLovin' style). His next feature is The Pineapple Express which follows Seth Rogen as Dale Denton, a stoner who gets his drug dealer Saul Silver (played by James Franco), into a murderous conspiracy while pursuing some super-weed called, you guessed it, The Pineapple Express.

Apatow is a genius. If you caught me at, say, 4:20, do you know what kind of movie I would want to see? Here would be my direct quote.

"Uhmm, where are the fuckin' Doritos bro? Hold up, let's put a movie on dude. Something like, uhmm, where are my shoes? Anyway, let's watch something like Half Baked and The Fugitive put together...."

And bam, Apatow has created an Action/Comedy for those who burn down. I am formally submitting my request of sainthood for Apatow. May the comedy gods shine bright on you and your bongs Mr. Apatow.

August 15

Tropic Thunder

Maybe you've seen the last flick Ben Stiller directed. Maybe you quote it on a weekly to bi-weekly basis. Maybe you've joined the Facebook group, Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Or maybe, just maybe, you have gasoline fights with all of your metrosexual friends. Regardless, Stiller is still a comedic genius (I am sweeping Heartbreak Kid under the rug), and his next directorial debut is Tropic Thunder.

The film revolves around a group of actors who go to a boot camp to train for a movie they are preparing to shoot. With Ben Stiller at the helm, Jack Black bringing his usual schtick, and Robert Downey Jr. playing an uptight Australian actor who undergoes surgery to become black, Tropic Thunder might strike lightening at the box office.

Did I miss any movies I should see? Let me know.