Real World and The Book of Faces: Part Two

With a little over a third of this seasons The Real World under our belts, we can see how each of the roomies have fallen into their little niche.  The seven strangers have started to draw battle lines of domestic crisis and have been bickering like they have cameras on them and every conversation is actually a debate (oh wait).

How does one get comfortable on camera yet trying to be the person they are?  It's easy, just file yourself into one of the seven niches that The Real World is known for.

Chuck Klosterman, author of "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" has a terrific chapter on The Real World, and I will be stealing his thoughts and adding my own seasoning.  Picture Klosterman being the Martha Stewart of the blog with me being the shitty celebrity that Martha attempts to teach to cook.

After watching these seven strangers get synced up with their predetermined demographic, I realized that everyone with a Facebook account does the exact same thing.  Let's take a look at the Hollywood cast and what their demographics Facebook profile would look like.

Joey:  The boarder-line-schizophrenic-roid-monkey-with-mommy-issues.  They always have one guy who is way too tan, way to jacked up, and uses way too much hair products.  Think Brad from San Diego, CT from Paris, and Dunbar in Australia.

Let's begin with Joseph's status.  I am almost positive that in his status bar (i.e. Joey is....), would include his new max-out records for isolated bicep curls, dead lifts, and number of jager-bombs consumed the night before (or maybe that night, Joey seems like the kind of dude to check out his Facebook site after getting home all shitfaced at a crazy night at Wash bar). 

Activities: Jagerbombs.  Weights. CHICKS, MAN. 

Favorite Music:  Linkin Park, Nickelback, any early 90's hair band (including Ratt).

Favorite TV Shows:  I am going to assume that Joey is in a frat.  With that being said, if you are trying to be in the Joey niche, you will say "Sports" and "Sports" alone for the favorite show section.

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.

Kimberly:  The Naive Virginal Southerner Who's Vaguely Foxy.  If this chick's Facebook page had a motif, it would be gum drops and lollipops, with unicorns and rainbows flying in every direction.  Did I also mention that members of the KKK would be riding the unicorns?  This chick is a blatant bigot and doesn't even know it (i.e. telling poor stripper Brianna to 'not get all ghetto,' and decisively stating that black people are dumb and slobs in the first episode).

Interests:  You bet your sweet, southern ass Shopping is on this list.  Fashion, celebrities and I am going to go with, um, let's say, bubble baths, kittens and George W. Bush are front and center on this ditzy chicks interests.

Favorite Music:  "Anything but rap," Country Music, and John Mayer.

Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo, The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, THE BIBLE (which she has actually never read, but wants to get brownie points from Jesus Christ).

Dave:  All American White Guy! Oh man, it's every Mom's dream boy for their daughter.  Clean cut, boarder line metrosexual, and short enough to fit in your pocket.  Seriously, The Real World always brings the ambitious white mainstream male to their show with this casting.  

This dude would have the most Facebook friends for sure.  It is like that frat-boy kid you 'kind of know' with like 500 friends on the Book of Faces.  It is only after really chillin' with this dude that you realize that all of his 500 Facebook friends only 'kind of' know him just like you.  It is not that he's phony, he has just stretched himself out way too much to have any substantial friendship with anyone. Expect the most generic Facebook page ever, with up-to-the-minute pop culture references and an obscene amount of Facebook applications.

Interests:  "Wherever life takes me" or some stupid bullshit like that. Also, Partying, drinking, CHICKS MAN.

Favorite Shows:  CSI, Sportcenter, Gossip Girl (OMG).

Favorite Movies: Blow, The Notebook, Any movies with my heteroman crush Brad Pitt.

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons

Sarah:  The bitchy chick that not only thinks she is better than you, she knows it.  Her moral high ground is so high, her conscious is atop Mt. Everest while your scumbag ass is in the Mariana Trench.  She is stuck up, has a terrible boyfriend, and will stop at nothing to save your soul.  If you are the Sarah type, god bless you.  Or god bless me, because according to you, I am a heathen who will be in hell while you braid Jesus' hair in Heaven.

Since the Sarah type is so conceited she would have two Facebook pages, one for her and one for her fucking ego, consider the one page a shrine to herself.  Her status section would include a laundry list of accomplishments (OMG, I am a newscaster for my State college broadcast channel!!).

Favorite Activities: Praising Jesus, Children With Disabilities Volunteer,  Working out

Interests: Chocolate, "My only vice", My shitty boyfriend who is not only a tool, but a fucking hugey, Dancing, "Basically anything active"

Favorite Movies:  The Notebook, actually any romantic comedy that shows off Matthew McConaughey six pack.

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.

Will:  The dorky guy who is probably the coolest one out of the seven.  Caring about anything will never be cool, and if you are in the Will category (like me), consider yourself a dorkus malorkus.  Why is the dork the coolest one out of the seven Facebook types?  Because it is the one Facebook page that actually portrays the person the best.  Will will probably never get the credit of being the best cast member, that will go to Sarah and Dave by becoming part of the next RW/RR Challenge (Dave will eventually get his head torn off by CT in one the elimination challenges.  By the way, the elimination challenges just need to be a gladiator type brawl with an assortment and terrible medieval weapons.   Now THAT is a gauntlet).

The "Will type Facebook page" will include things that people won't understand, or give the impression that he's a pretentious asshole when he is not.  In other words, you want to see a Will Facebook page, see mine.

Brianna:  The slutty roommate.  Let me count the ways I love you.  From your shitty choice of tattoos (the tramp stamp was a great idea in 2003), to the shitty choice of men (think Joey with less ambition), you continue to butt heads with the stuck up chick (Sarah), and will forever be cooler than her.  You give it up, and we salute you.  How do you describe a slutty chicks Facebook page?  Like this.

Activities:  Going out, drinking, nailing the guy with the biggest belt buckle at the bar, dancing on top of the bars, crying, having daddy issues, my sorority (sorry, low blow), blowing low, and fighting stuck up bitches.

Interests:  Scum bag guys, things that make me cry, daddy issues

Favorite Movies: Honey, The Notebook, Blow

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons

Greg:  The asshole.  Congratulations Greg, you turned the whole house against you in the first 20 seconds of appearing.  You are not only douchey (calling women 'associates', calling yourself the chosen one), you don't care that you are the biggest douche bag of the season.  The asshole has been a staple of The Real World, and because of this, you have earned your own Facebook profile.  Gregg, I fucking hate you.  Here is why:

Interests:  Modeling, degrading women, partying, working out.

Activities:  Pissing people off, being selfish, disregarding everyone else to get ahead in life, getting kicked off the Real World.

Favorite Movies:  Anything with me in it, or anything that resembles me (I look at the mirror instead of movies or television).

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.