I am in a recession depression. The job-market is bleak. With this being said, my "Plan B" is to hit the powerball, purchase a giant ship (complete with go-kart track, four bars, putt-putt, a disco, and 46 cannons), hire my friends as the swashbuckling crew, and sail the seven seas to hunt for illusive treasures of doubloons and jewel-encrusted goodies.
A great "Plan B", right? All of my friends already had their duties assigned (e.g. Travis was our reconnoissance who would drink in the Crow's nest, and Wayne would surely squab the poopdeck twice a day).
Then you started to make your presence known. Most of you are Somalians who enjoy taking over any and every ship, hold the crew hostage, and reap in the rewards for your pillaging ways. But alas matey, your corsair attempts have begun to be noticed by all Sea dogs.
CNN had a very interesting article regarding your Buccaner ways:
"Somali pirates have turned high-seas kidnappings into a lucrative business, one that netted between $50 million and $150 million last year, a former Navy SEAL told CNN."
That's some serious booty. While you hold these Landlubber's hostage, you threaten to make them "Kiss the gunner's daughter" until you get paid. So far, so good. Then you decided to mess with the U.S.
You see, you Jolly Rogers, you Swabs, you ship-chandlers, while you might have fair winds messing with the French and British, it was a very bad idea to roll the dice with the American Navy.
By holding Captain Richard Phillips hostage, you allowed the United State's to bring in their three best snipers and in three shots, you were sent down to Davy Jones' Locker. You bit off more than you could chew. Now the whole world is ready to flog the shit out of all of you, and it's time to rethink your game plan. You should base your new bilge-sucking operation on our favorite pirates of film.Lesson #1: Only fight small children
This should be a no-brainer. I mean, if there was ever a lop-sided-sea-match, it would be Somali pirates vs. Kids. You have the guns and rocket launchers, they have stuffed animals and a bag full of marbles. The only real thing you need to worry about are the kids that:
- Fly
- Wear green spandex
- Are following around by a sassy fairy named "Tinkerbell"
Other than that, feel free to send as many kids to the gallows as possible.
Lesson #2: The drunker, the better
Jack Sparrow was piss-faced smashed through most of the Pirates of the Caribbean Movies, and look how it worked out for him. He got some tail, he beat Davy Jones and now has a fourth movie in production.
Lesson #3: Caves are great hide-outs
William B. Pordobell, or One-Eyed Willie, managed to hide his bounty, his ship, and his pet-giant squid in a cave for hundreds of years. That is until a crew of kick-ass kids took down three convicts and saved their community. One truffle-shuffle at a time. One lip-locking, brace-face kiss at a time.
One-Eyed Willie knew that a cave with various puzzles and traps would keep himself and his ship safe from most sea-fairing naval crews. He didn't know that Data would invent devices hundreds of years later that would render his hideout useless.
Lesson #4: Do not mess with Kermit
When all you have to go home to is a buxom, sultry-swine, the high-winds and open-seas are nothing but a great escape. Think of the pent-up anger that surges through this frog's veins. Think of how his amphibian d' must feel after plunging that ship. Now think of being on the other end of that sword. You might just want to turn around and walk the plank instead of pulling a Tim Curry and trying to go toe-to-toe with this poor, green soul.
*Note: In no way am I dogging on big women. But I am dogging on big women who go after frogs half their size. Just saying....
Lesson #5: Indigo Montoya Will Not Stop
That German-Prostitute-Beating, Shamwow-Pimping, Scum bag Vince Shlomi could take a slap-chop to Indigo Montoya for hours and it would still be rendered useless. So pirates, unless you want the greatest sword-fighting Spaniard to hunt you down one by one, do not kill any Spanish fathers.
So, in closing, follow these rules, stay away from my ship, and you might make it out of this decade with some chests and booty.
Sincerely,
