Real World and The Book of Faces: Part Two

With a little over a third of this seasons The Real World under our belts, we can see how each of the roomies have fallen into their little niche.  The seven strangers have started to draw battle lines of domestic crisis and have been bickering like they have cameras on them and every conversation is actually a debate (oh wait).

How does one get comfortable on camera yet trying to be the person they are?  It's easy, just file yourself into one of the seven niches that The Real World is known for.

Chuck Klosterman, author of "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" has a terrific chapter on The Real World, and I will be stealing his thoughts and adding my own seasoning.  Picture Klosterman being the Martha Stewart of the blog with me being the shitty celebrity that Martha attempts to teach to cook.

After watching these seven strangers get synced up with their predetermined demographic, I realized that everyone with a Facebook account does the exact same thing.  Let's take a look at the Hollywood cast and what their demographics Facebook profile would look like.

Joey:  The boarder-line-schizophrenic-roid-monkey-with-mommy-issues.  They always have one guy who is way too tan, way to jacked up, and uses way too much hair products.  Think Brad from San Diego, CT from Paris, and Dunbar in Australia.

Let's begin with Joseph's status.  I am almost positive that in his status bar (i.e. Joey is....), would include his new max-out records for isolated bicep curls, dead lifts, and number of jager-bombs consumed the night before (or maybe that night, Joey seems like the kind of dude to check out his Facebook site after getting home all shitfaced at a crazy night at Wash bar). 

Activities: Jagerbombs.  Weights. CHICKS, MAN. 

Favorite Music:  Linkin Park, Nickelback, any early 90's hair band (including Ratt).

Favorite TV Shows:  I am going to assume that Joey is in a frat.  With that being said, if you are trying to be in the Joey niche, you will say "Sports" and "Sports" alone for the favorite show section.

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.

Kimberly:  The Naive Virginal Southerner Who's Vaguely Foxy.  If this chick's Facebook page had a motif, it would be gum drops and lollipops, with unicorns and rainbows flying in every direction.  Did I also mention that members of the KKK would be riding the unicorns?  This chick is a blatant bigot and doesn't even know it (i.e. telling poor stripper Brianna to 'not get all ghetto,' and decisively stating that black people are dumb and slobs in the first episode).

Interests:  You bet your sweet, southern ass Shopping is on this list.  Fashion, celebrities and I am going to go with, um, let's say, bubble baths, kittens and George W. Bush are front and center on this ditzy chicks interests.

Favorite Music:  "Anything but rap," Country Music, and John Mayer.

Favorite Movies: Finding Nemo, The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, THE BIBLE (which she has actually never read, but wants to get brownie points from Jesus Christ).

Dave:  All American White Guy! Oh man, it's every Mom's dream boy for their daughter.  Clean cut, boarder line metrosexual, and short enough to fit in your pocket.  Seriously, The Real World always brings the ambitious white mainstream male to their show with this casting.  

This dude would have the most Facebook friends for sure.  It is like that frat-boy kid you 'kind of know' with like 500 friends on the Book of Faces.  It is only after really chillin' with this dude that you realize that all of his 500 Facebook friends only 'kind of' know him just like you.  It is not that he's phony, he has just stretched himself out way too much to have any substantial friendship with anyone. Expect the most generic Facebook page ever, with up-to-the-minute pop culture references and an obscene amount of Facebook applications.

Interests:  "Wherever life takes me" or some stupid bullshit like that. Also, Partying, drinking, CHICKS MAN.

Favorite Shows:  CSI, Sportcenter, Gossip Girl (OMG).

Favorite Movies: Blow, The Notebook, Any movies with my heteroman crush Brad Pitt.

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons

Sarah:  The bitchy chick that not only thinks she is better than you, she knows it.  Her moral high ground is so high, her conscious is atop Mt. Everest while your scumbag ass is in the Mariana Trench.  She is stuck up, has a terrible boyfriend, and will stop at nothing to save your soul.  If you are the Sarah type, god bless you.  Or god bless me, because according to you, I am a heathen who will be in hell while you braid Jesus' hair in Heaven.

Since the Sarah type is so conceited she would have two Facebook pages, one for her and one for her fucking ego, consider the one page a shrine to herself.  Her status section would include a laundry list of accomplishments (OMG, I am a newscaster for my State college broadcast channel!!).

Favorite Activities: Praising Jesus, Children With Disabilities Volunteer,  Working out

Interests: Chocolate, "My only vice", My shitty boyfriend who is not only a tool, but a fucking hugey, Dancing, "Basically anything active"

Favorite Movies:  The Notebook, actually any romantic comedy that shows off Matthew McConaughey six pack.

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.

Will:  The dorky guy who is probably the coolest one out of the seven.  Caring about anything will never be cool, and if you are in the Will category (like me), consider yourself a dorkus malorkus.  Why is the dork the coolest one out of the seven Facebook types?  Because it is the one Facebook page that actually portrays the person the best.  Will will probably never get the credit of being the best cast member, that will go to Sarah and Dave by becoming part of the next RW/RR Challenge (Dave will eventually get his head torn off by CT in one the elimination challenges.  By the way, the elimination challenges just need to be a gladiator type brawl with an assortment and terrible medieval weapons.   Now THAT is a gauntlet).

The "Will type Facebook page" will include things that people won't understand, or give the impression that he's a pretentious asshole when he is not.  In other words, you want to see a Will Facebook page, see mine.

Brianna:  The slutty roommate.  Let me count the ways I love you.  From your shitty choice of tattoos (the tramp stamp was a great idea in 2003), to the shitty choice of men (think Joey with less ambition), you continue to butt heads with the stuck up chick (Sarah), and will forever be cooler than her.  You give it up, and we salute you.  How do you describe a slutty chicks Facebook page?  Like this.

Activities:  Going out, drinking, nailing the guy with the biggest belt buckle at the bar, dancing on top of the bars, crying, having daddy issues, my sorority (sorry, low blow), blowing low, and fighting stuck up bitches.

Interests:  Scum bag guys, things that make me cry, daddy issues

Favorite Movies: Honey, The Notebook, Blow

Favorite Books:  The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons

Greg:  The asshole.  Congratulations Greg, you turned the whole house against you in the first 20 seconds of appearing.  You are not only douchey (calling women 'associates', calling yourself the chosen one), you don't care that you are the biggest douche bag of the season.  The asshole has been a staple of The Real World, and because of this, you have earned your own Facebook profile.  Gregg, I fucking hate you.  Here is why:

Interests:  Modeling, degrading women, partying, working out.

Activities:  Pissing people off, being selfish, disregarding everyone else to get ahead in life, getting kicked off the Real World.

Favorite Movies:  Anything with me in it, or anything that resembles me (I look at the mirror instead of movies or television).

Favorite Books: The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons.

Real World and The Book of Faces: Part One

Recently MTV hosted a "Real World" Award show in which they gave awards to the most bat-shit crazy person, hottest chick, and biggest whore (I just realized that if one girl got all of these awards, she would have the triple crown of why I love women).

MTV threw this promotional stint for their numero uno reality program's 20th season taking place in, where the fuck else?, Hollywood.

First and foremost, let me mention that A. Rob and Big is my new number one reality program on MTV, but after the series finale and numerous man-tears rolling off my face, I have to crawl back to the fishbowl of drunken hook ups and the most moronic debates on culture and lifestyle I have ever seen (a gorilla with down's syndrome and my ipod could have a more meaningful conversation on religion relations in the US than Parisa and Trisha's debate on Real World Sydney) and B. this season of the Real World: Hollywood is by far the most audacious casting I have seen .

For example, have you seen these superficial, mildly-offensive previews? Case in point: new blond bombshell Kimberly's answer to who should play her in a movie.

AND I QUOTE: "Paris Hilton. I looooooooovvvvvvvveeee her"

MTV really knows how to capture the culture and transition of a new generation by sweeping up seven of the biggest shallow, insanely hollow 'tards of our generation. They couldn't pick up one mildy intellegent person? Where is the Jacquese? The Teck? The Kelley? Fuck it, give me a libertarian fuck like Puck!?

But nope, we get attractive people who spend more time on their hair then the presidential race. Maybe my old age of 23 is catching up to me and I am out of touch with youth culture. Or maybe, just maybe, MTV is actually doing the right thing.

Case in point an article by Jeff Gordiner in Details magazine. In it, Gordiner asserts that The Real World, regardless of fist fights, drunken stupors, and a sexually-confused black man slapping a small white chick with Lyme disease, the show is an American classic.

"When The Real World made its debut 16 years ago, nobody knew that it would lead to today’s glut of reality programming. But as the series enters its 20th season, it’s begun to look like something we never expected it to be: an American classic," Gordiner said.

Among other things, Gordiner believes that the Real World opened the door for YouTube and Facebook.

"Flip through the book (Real World book) today and contemplate Kat’s favorite song (“Africa,” by Toto), Puck’s favorite snack (“Nuts, exotic ones”), and Becky’s preferred mode of transportation (“I usually walk”), and it doesn't take long to realize that you’re looking at an early, analog blueprint for a social-networking site: the beta version of Facebook. “We’re living in an age where everyone has to be famous,” Gordiner says. “There’s a current belief that every small thing I do is fascinating, so I’m going to share it with all my friends.” If you think about it, what The Real World ultimately wrought is the friending of America, a borderless and invisible network in which everyone’s on a first-name basis with everyone else. We started out with seven strangers. We ended up with thousands, maybe even millions, of best friends forever."

So, is Facebook a channel of being in our own season of The Real World? The truth is disturbing. Check in for part two of this series.....

I Want to Ride My Strickecycle

This Writer's Strike while necessary (I am on Team WGA), has been a horrible ordeal. First was the announcement that because of lack of pilots, Dexter was going to be broadcast for CBS. Are you kidding me? Dexter on basic cable is like going to a strip club where they only show ankles and elbows. Then it was the halt halfway through the production of Lost.

Now it seems the two sides (which sort of remind me of a bad sitcom couple) are re-negotiating.
It first started last Saturday, when the New York Times reported that "major roadblocks" were removed from a resolution.

That following Monday the WGA released a statement warning that the deal was not done despite the rumors from the Times. “The facts: We are still in talks and do not yet have a contract," said WGA President Patric Veronne.

Now on Tuesday, with all the anticipation and informal talks taking place, it seemed like all channels of media were walking on eggshells, worried that they might jinx the work that has progressed. However, Deadline Hollywood wrote an in-depth article that went over some key points.

• A draft is currently being written for a resolution.
• The draft still might be shot down by the board of the WGA.
• A letter was issued to all WGA members that stated, "nothing is official, yet."

While this was all "g'd up from the feet up," the real panty dropper came yesterday when The Edge reported that the strike could and will be resolved by the Oscars. A WGA membership meeting is scheduled for Saturday, which might seal the deal.

So what does this actually mean? It means a full-fledged Oscar Ceremony (which is deserving with how good cinema has been lately). It means our favorite shows will be back by fall or even earlier, and it means my social life will continue its downward spiral to me becoming the creepy dude with snakes that smells like catnip and hotdogs. But hey, at least I'll have my Lost!

The Beginning of the End...of me going to class on Fridays

Any non-Lost fans need not read this post. With that said, let the ravenous fanboy rant begin. Ahem.

The first episode of this season of Lost injected the series with a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart. The adrenaline was the inescapable tension between the two camps that were divided and the heart was in the form of the most lovable character on the show, Hugo "Hurley" Reyes.

Let's start with the rising altercation between Jack and Locke. The man of science and the man of faith have always butted heads during the show, but lines were offiically drawn when Jack pulled the trigger on our bald "Communicator of the island" with no effect (the gun wasn't loaded). This act foreshadows that while the two have divided the survivors by who they follow, this is nowhere near complete.

Speaking of the two camps divided, there were some serious surprises on who joined who. Rose and Bernard staying with Jack? Correct me if I am wrong, but if Rose leaves the island, she is inevitably donezo, so why split from the one man who's ultimate goal is to stay on the island?

And Sawyer and Kate splitting up? Maybe Jack's "I love you" to Kate in the season 3 finale meant more than the late night tent romps that the two were doing.

If I crashed on that island, I think I would go with the dude with possibly the most bad-ass scar of all time, the ex-Iraqi soldier, and the Scot who can see the future. Then again, Hurley went with them and apologized to Jack about it in the flash forward.

Speaking of the flash forward, kudos to Damon Lindelof and Cartlon Cuse for such an excellent written section of the show. Here's the true genious: we are starting to watch flashbacks of the flashforward that took place in the season 3 finale. Those two just officially hooked me. Hopefully they can line and sinker my ass within the first eight episodes of this season.

Here are some other points of interest:
-Hurley not only seeing Christian Shepard in the rocking chair in Jacob's cabin, but Jacob's eye as well.
-Favorite line of the show: Sawyer while cocking the rifle "And I thought I was going to get a good nights sleep for once." You sir, are a Bad Ass Mother Fucker.
-Charlie in the flashforward? Something tells me that the "it" that Hurley alluded to while playing horse with Jack was what Charlie "was." Ya dig?
-Ben, the snarky bastard, is still outsmarting Jack. I'd like to see him get a knife in the back like Naomi, but if she can set up a false trail, climb a tree, out-muscle Kate, then fix a satelite phone BEFORE kizzing out, a head shot would suffice.

That concludes the insidious fanboy rant. Stay tuned tomorrow for a recap of the apparent breaks in the writer's strike.

Back In Black

Ladies and Gentlemen, your boy is back.

After a two month sabbatical full of laughs and tears I am back to blogging to let my media retarded friends and confidants back into the light. Before I discuss what is happening in the present, allow me to hit a couple of points on what went on in the media industry during my break.

Of course, the death of Heath Ledger. Let's not forget that this actor was addicted to his craft as much as I am with internet porn. His work in The Dark Knight will be regarded as his send off, a eulogy of sort. So show some respect and go see it July 18th. Rest in peace you damn Aussie, and throw some shrimp on the barbie for me up there.

Next, Cloverfield. I am formally pledging my allegiance to J.J. Abrams and his production company Bad Robot. Word on the street is my film professor Jon Lupo hated on it. My suggestion to him is to stop watching artsy, depressing films from the 1920s and get down with some postmodernism.

Cloverfield, while shaky and jarring, was an exhilarating ride that might kick start a new genre for people to enjoy. Is it the new Citizen Kane? No. Was it worth the price of my ticket? Abso-fucking-lutley.

I read like a hermit this break as well. I went on a Palahniuk tangent. Rant, Survivor, Choke, and Lullaby were all demolished as well as a book on Buddhism and decision making. For the love of god, whoever is reading this pick up Rant.

Okay, now that that's out of the way let us discuss the present. And by present I mean future. As in, flash forward LOST style. The season premiere is tomorrow and I am ready to piss my pants in anticipation. Here are some articles for you to get as jacked up as I am.

So my media-retarded friends, get ready to be media-savvy once again.

Casting Couch: Part Three

Ever since his cinematic masterpiece Heat, Michael Mann has always been on my radar when going to the cinema for a flick.

Now rumors are swirling that Mann and Johnny Depp are teaming up for the big screen adaptation of Public Enemies: America's Greatest Crime Wave and the Birth of the FBI, 1933-34. DiCaprio was supposed to be the lead, but bowed out to be a part of Scorcese's next crime drama, Shutter Island.

Speaking of Shutter Island, movie legend Ben Kingsley has joined the cast. The movie revolves around a U.S. marshall (DiCaprio) who is sent to the remote New England island in summer 1954 to investigate the disappearance of a patient from the island's prison/mental hospital. Kingsley will play the mental hospital's chief physician.

Thoroughbred dime-piece Molly Sims has also been added to the Jim Carey vehicle, Yes Man. The story revolves around a man who says yes to everything for one year (couldn't the studios have just called this Liar Liar 2?).

Late Night in Peril

It has been over a month since the big late night programs have returned to work, and now the psychological and financial effects are starting to make their appearance known.

NBC has laid off 120, count em', 120 staffers for "The Tonight Show." To confirm what I have thought all along, insanely corny (and now apparently cheap) Jay Leno was not going to pay the laid off workers out of his pocket, until threats of a PR nightmare.

Maybe he took a cue from the man who will supersede him. Conan O'Brien, who had a feeling his crew would be getting laid off, vowed to pay his staff out of his own pocket before any news was reported.

Late Night writers have voiced admiration for such a loyal move.

Staying in the "Cone Zone," Conan has posted a video blog unveiling his "strike beard." Cabin fever has hit the late night host.

David Letterman is also starting to get the jitters. Reports are funneling that Late Show show runners are attempting to gather guests, implying that Letterman might have all new shows starting as early as next week (scroll down to 11/29/07 9:55 a.m.).