To Whom It May Concern: Pirates

Dear Pirates,

I am in a recession depression.  The job-market is bleak. With this being said, my "Plan B" is to hit the powerball, purchase a giant ship (complete with go-kart track, four bars, putt-putt, a disco, and 46 cannons), hire my friends as the swashbuckling crew, and sail the seven seas to hunt for illusive treasures of doubloons and jewel-encrusted goodies.

A great "Plan B", right?  All of my friends already had their duties assigned (e.g. Travis was our reconnoissance who would drink in the Crow's nest, and Wayne would surely squab the poopdeck twice a day).

Then you started to make your presence known.  Most of you are Somalians who enjoy taking over any and every ship, hold the crew hostage, and reap in the rewards for your pillaging ways. But alas matey, your corsair attempts have begun to be noticed by all Sea dogs.

CNN had a very interesting article regarding your Buccaner ways:

"Somali pirates have turned high-seas kidnappings into a lucrative business, one that netted between $50 million and $150 million last year, a former Navy SEAL told CNN."

That's some serious booty.  While you hold these Landlubber's hostage, you threaten to make them  "Kiss the gunner's daughter" until you get paid.  So far, so good.  Then you decided to mess with the U.S.

You see, you Jolly Rogers, you Swabs, you ship-chandlers, while you might have fair winds messing with the French and British, it was a very bad idea to roll the dice with the American Navy.

By holding Captain Richard Phillips hostage, you allowed the United State's to bring in their three best snipers and in three shots, you were sent down to Davy Jones' Locker.  You bit off more than you could chew.  Now the whole world is ready to flog the shit out of all of you, and it's time to rethink your game plan.  You should base your new bilge-sucking operation on our favorite pirates of film.

Lesson #1: Only fight small children

This should be a no-brainer.  I mean, if there was ever a lop-sided-sea-match, it would be Somali pirates vs. Kids.  You have the guns and rocket launchers, they have stuffed animals and a bag full of marbles.  The only real thing you need to worry about are the kids that:

1. Fly
2. Wear green spandex
3. Are following around by a sassy fairy named "Tinkerbell"

Other than that, feel free to send as many kids to the gallows as possible.

Lesson #2:  The drunker, the better

As well all know, a happy pirate is a drunk pirate.  Arm yourself with the finest rum and a band of merry wenches, and you can really separate your vast voyages and take aim at only the highest bounty.  Remember why you decided to be a pirate.  The freedom, the benefits, and the high-living as a swashbuckling gent all revolve around joyous wenches and a bottle of the finest  grog.

Jack Sparrow was piss-faced smashed through most of the Pirates of the Caribbean Movies, and look how it worked out for him.  He got some tail, he beat Davy Jones and now has a fourth movie in production.

Lesson #3:  Caves are great hide-outs

William B. Pordobell, or One-Eyed Willie, managed to hide his bounty, his ship, and his pet-giant squid in a cave for hundreds of years.  That is until a crew of kick-ass kids took down three convicts and saved their community.  One truffle-shuffle at a time. One lip-locking, brace-face kiss at a time.

One-Eyed Willie knew that a cave with various puzzles and traps would keep himself and his ship safe from most sea-fairing naval crews.  He didn't know that Data would invent devices hundreds of years later that would render his hideout useless.

Lesson #4:  Do not mess with Kermit

When all you have to go home to is a buxom, sultry-swine, the high-winds and open-seas are nothing but a great escape.  Think of the pent-up anger that surges through this frog's veins.  Think of how his amphibian d' must feel after plunging that ship. Now think of being on the other end of that sword.  You might just want to turn around and walk the plank instead of pulling a Tim Curry and trying to go toe-to-toe with this poor, green soul.

*Note: In no way am I dogging on big women.  But I am dogging on big women who go after frogs half their size.  Just saying....

  Lesson #5: Indigo Montoya Will Not Stop

That German-Prostitute-Beating, Shamwow-Pimping, Scum bag Vince Shlomi could take a slap-chop to Indigo Montoya for hours and it would still be rendered useless.  So pirates, unless you want the greatest sword-fighting Spaniard to hunt you down one by one, do not kill any Spanish fathers.  

So, in closing, follow these rules, stay away from my ship, and you might make it out of this decade with some chests and booty.

Sincerely,

Wilson Welch

Watch These

What's up gang.  It's a recession, depression around these parts, and while I would love to "pop the cris" and make it rain at the local burlesque parlor, the wallets tight, and it's not getting any sluttier. 

So to help keep you financially secure, here are the movies I will check this month on the weekend instead of ordering Bear Fights.

April 3 - Adventureland

Director Greg Mattola is already being hailed as the next John Hughes, who had such 80s classics like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and The Breakfast Club.

With Superbad already under his belt, you can bet dollars to donuts my ass will be planted at the theater for his follow up.

Adventure land is a comedy set in the summer of 1987 and centered around a recent college grad who takes a nowhere job at his local amusement park, only to find it's the perfect course to get him prepared for the real world.  As a recent college grad who needs a summer job instead of blogging to the 13 people that actually read this blog, maybe this will give me some motivation.

Let's not forget about the cast.  We have two of SNL's best with Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader, my new goth-crush/Deadly Attraction worthy Kristen Stewart, and new comer Jesse Eisenberg.

April 10th - Observe and Report

Everything about this movie looks funny.  It looks like what Paul Bart: Mall Cop wanted to be if it wasn't for Happy Madison Productions  deciding to appeal to soccer moms of the planet (Grandma's Boy excluded).  Seth Rogen is kicking ass and taking names as Ronnie Barnhardt, head of mall security, who has a psychotic streaker on his hands. 

Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won't give him the time of day.

Seth Rogen is on a hot-streak and I don't think this one will disappoint.

April might be the best month for sports (The Final Four, Opening Day, WrestleMania, first month of baseball, start of the NBA and NHL playoffs, The Masters, the NFL draft), but it is definitely the calm before the storm of the summer movie madness. A summer movie preview will be up shortly.

Lost: Our You is an Acid Making Hippie

This week's episode of television's equivalent of crystal meth was a throw-back to the good ol' days of season one, where character development fueled the plot and daddy issues were the forefront of every conflict.

It also showcased everyone's favorite Iraqi torturer as we followed him through his international quest for blood. To weed out the time paradoxes theories and the potential cat-fight between Juliet and Kate, I've brought in some reinforcements in my big brother Mike.

Wilson: Let me start out by saying how much I enjoyed the structure of "He's Our You." It was a flashback episode. Not a time jump flashback, or a flashforward/flashback, just a good old fashioned flashback. We got to see Sayid's dirty deeds have been done dirt cheap since childhood, snapping chicken's necks for the acceptance of his father.

Mike: Oh I agree about the structure. As awesome as season 5 has been, it's nice to have a "classic" character driven episode to remind us why we all watch Lost. Yeah, the mythology of the show is great and the story itself is compelling, but to paraphrase a famous political quote regarding the economy, "it's the characters, dummy." as for young Sayid snappin' a chicken McNeck, what else can be said than it's his nature...

Wilson: "Nature vs. nurture, Scott, nature vs. nurture." We can all agree that while it was shocking to see Sayid buck heat into a kid (even if it is a sadistic sociopath kid), everyone wants the maniacal Iraqi on their side. In other words, while his nature is to bring pain to fools who don't know what time it is, we all like him. But let's begin with the flashback of Sayid emptying his clip into Widmore's Russian contact and the conversation with Ben. While it was no surprise that we would see this, I was shocked to see that Ben was channeling his inner Major Arnold Toht:

Mike: It's uncanny. I expected Ben to ask Sayid to help him find the Headpiece of Ra so they could locate the Ark before the Americans, but instead he dumped him, kicked him to the curb, or in Ben's twisted mind, set him free. This, of course, crushed Sayid. After losing Nadia, all Sayid had to live for was revenge and killing those that, according to Ben at least, worked for Widmore and posed a threat to the few people alive that mean anything to him, the Oceanic 6.

Wilson: Now cut three years into the future and thirty years into the past, and Sayid has yet again been stepped on. His first reunion with a fellow Oceanic member was Jin (who I might add has better english than me) and he gets a rifle pulled on him. Next thing he knows he's in the clink with Lil' Ben bringing him chicken sandwiches. This dude was already lost, and now he is truly flying solo. Used, abused, and now getting shit talked to him by Uncle Rico. Life is rough for our assassin with passion.

On the other hand, our boy Sawyer is living the highlife. He's shacked up with Juliet, who has got progressively hotter as the show has progressed. He strikes fear into all that work for him (I think Phil needed a change of undies when 'LaFleur' told him to take a lunch), and he still spits out one-liner's like sunflower seeds ("Three years no burnin' buses and your back one day").

Mike: Well Sawyer's living the high life in Dharma land because he's had three years to build it up. the reunion between Sawyer and the time crew and the Oceanic 6 reminded me a lot of having an old friend, someone you haven't seen for, oh, three years, visit you. They get there, you high five, grab some brews, then your long lost friend starts acting like you guys did 7 years and a college degree ago. We saw it last week with the Jack visit. Jack wanted action, action, action, while Sawyer has moved on to more thinking, thinking, thinking. And speaking of Juliet, I'm glad that the show is trying to hammer home that Juliet and Sawyer are 1. in love with each other and 2. happy together.

One thing that puzzled me though, was what Sayid expecting to do if Sawyer let him go? Not stay in Dharmaville, and I can't see him joining up with Alpert (and presumably Rose and Bernard and everyone's third favorite yellow lab Vincent).

Wilson: Yeah, Sayid has always been a lone-wolf, but he's in 1974 and doesn't want to live on the beach by himself. Regarding Suliet (yeah, I went there), I am really rooting for them. When Juliet expressed her worries of their 'playing house' was over, I wanted to put on Wham!'s "Careless Whisper" on and cry myself to sleep. But I digress.

In regards to the Hurley, Jack and Kate, they seemed resigned to taking orders. Which is a new dynamic the show has brought in. Hurley's loving it. Kate seems what I can only describes as applicable, and Jack, well, what do you make of Jack?

Mike: I like this new roll-with-the-punches Jack. I like that he's willing to give Sawyer the benefit of the doubt and let him do his thing. It's actually showing, dare I say it, growth of Dr. Shepard.

Wilson: True that. But I doubt it will last. He's got to have growing pains adjusting to his new role, but I think next week we'll see him stepping up to the plate assisting in the saving a Ben "Donnie Darko" Linus.

Speaking of which, I would be emo too if Uncle Rico was my father and he threw me around for putting meat in between two piece of bread. Speaking of other Dharma Folk, how kickass has the casting been?

Mike: Put-me-me-in-a-coma-for-three-days-kick ass. We have Mad Men, 24, Friday Night Lights, and Deadwood represented in Dharma land.

And regarding Ben's dad, I think it's a testimate to how much Sayid truly loathes Ben that even after seeing him get roughed up by his old man, seeing Ben in a sympathetic light, he still loathes Ben enough to blow him away.

Wilson: While Sayid's hatred for Linus knows no bounds, it was truly amazing watching Oldham dose Sayid up with three hits of the finest LSD on the island. If you've dabbled in mind-bending drugs, you knew the exact moment Sayid started feeling it. The look on his face was priceless. Highs. Lows. Smiles. Frowns. It was a wacky, drug fueled emotional roller coaster that I havent seen since my last trip to Bonaroo. His laughing was hysterical and terrifying at the same time.



Mike: Right? I wouldn't mind being tortured by the Dharma Initiative. One thing that bugged me though. Horace Goodspeed is the on island leader of Dharma. Pierre Chang/Marvin Candle/Miles' dad is on the island studying the unique properties that he theorizes could make time travel possible. You have to assume that Goodspeed knows the nature of Chang's experiments, why are they so fast to reject Sayid's confession that he is from the future as drug enduced lies? And I want this on the record, it hurts me to think that Radzinksy survives the purge. If anyone deserves to be gassed then thrown in a mass grave it's that guy.

Wilson: True that. Although he weasels his way out of the purge, I take full satisfaction in knowing he puts a 12-gauge on his chin and gets hyphy.

Here's the thing regarding their disbelief in Sayid's statements. This could still be the beginning of the DI, we don't know how much they truly know about the island and it's David Blaine-ish properties. And let's not forget he was tripping his balls off. Anything I hear someone saying on acid is like backwoods half-speak. It's better to tell them "shusha naw y'hear" and let them stare at your Zeppelin poster.

Plus, at Dharma's town-hall meeting, I really got the feeling that they were on their way to icing Sayid before they even took him to Oldham.

Mike: Oh mos def. I'd like to know a few things about the relationship between Dharma and the hostiles. We know that it is contentious, but what led to the truce? Why do the "hostiles" tolerate the Dharma people living on their island? I think it goes back to why they let the Oceanic survivors stay there. Remember the scene in "The Hunting Party" (season 2), Tom (rest his gay, overweight soul) claimed the only reason they were still alive on the island was that the hostiles/others let them. I think that high up in the others' heirarchy, maybe Alpert or Jacob himself, need them there. Also what are the terms of the truce?

Wilson: These things will be weeded out by the finale (hopefully). Because Ben gets icy on Dharma, the Other's of seasons 1,2,3 and 4 are actually the hostiles, so what Tom said sticks to the truce that we will see.

Back to the episode. Somehow, someway, Sayid takes 'dimwit' Phil out and manages to ninja flip the original gangster Jin all the while tripping his balls off before doing "what he was suppose to do," which was shooting a pre-teen in the gizzard.

Mike: Which brings up an interesting moral dilemma. The Ben that Sayid shot hadn't done any of the things that Sayid hates adult Ben for so much. The purge. The manipulating. The lies. And it clearly destroyed him, shooting a child, even one that turns into a Hitler analogue in Sayid's mind. He looked so tore up, I thought for a second he was going to put the gun in his own mouth and just eat a bullet after shooting Ben, who we know isn't dead. I'd wager Jin wakes up with a quickness (it was one punch after all, and if anyone could hold their own against Sayid I'd say Jin probably has a pretty good shot) and gets young Mr. Linus to Dharma land.

Wilson: Yeah, no way Ben is donezo. But we'll find out next week. Any closing bullet points?

Mike:

• The list Ms. Clue gave Michael to bring to the others in the Season 2 episode, "Three Minutes." Kate, Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer. All members of Dharma with a young Ben.
  
• Kate did not come back for Sawyer, I'm sure she was about to tell him what happened to aaron that forced her to go back to the island.
  
• And again, for the first time in a while, I like Jack.
  

Anything else you'd like to add?

Wilson: Just one. I need more Desmond, Locke, and Faraday like I need more cowbell.

That's it for now kiddo's. In the meantime, throw some Geronimo Jackson on and call Rosie for those pot brownies and have yourself a hootenanny!  See you next week.

First Impressions

My pappy use to always say, 'you never get a second chance at a first impression.'  He also said 'if there's grass on the field, play ball,' but that's neither here nor there.  First impressions often dictate the type of relationship the parties involved will have, and when it comes to television, first impressions lie in their "introductions."

You know what I'm talking about.  It is at the very start of a program, when titles and credits are rolled with a catchy tune and flashy graphics.  Some televisions introductions have risen to incredible heights, painting a brilliant mosaic of the programs themes, inner dialogue and spirit. Other television introductions seem to be created by a team of  autistic babies.

How can you tell when you are watching a intro-masterpiece?  It's when you know the exact moment Eriq LaSalle takes a knee with a claw/hammer punch combination.  It's when the entire Winslow family is pushing the door shut on 95 pound Steven Q. Urkel.  It's the feeling of knowing for the next 30-60 minutes you will be in good hands.  Here are the elite that employ a bevy of tactics to keep viewers hooked.

Growing Pains

You can't get any better than a cheezy duet to introduce a show.  The woman singing sounds like Stevie Nicks on whippets and the guy could be the host of karaoke night at a sleazy bar in Reno.  But use them as the back drop to the evolving Seaver family, and it makes you want to be adopted.  This introduction encompasses what the 80s introductions were all about.  Bad song, bad hair, and Kirk Cameron. 

Dexter

Fun fact about the song being played as our favorite psychopathic serial killer gets ready for work: human bones were used to make certain noises in the song.  If that doesn't get you in the mindset for an hour of stalking and merking, you might need to talk to someone.  

What I really love about this introduction is how gruesome the most menial things can look with the right sound effects and camera angles.  Even squeezing your own juice can look like a scene straight from Midnight Meat Train.

Per television critic Jim Emerson, "The first time you see it... it tells you everything you need to know about the character." This intro is so good it won an Emmy in 2007 for "Outstanding Main Title Design", while the title music was also nominated for "Outstanding Original Main Title Theme Music" in the same season.

The Wonder Years

                              

Is it acceptable to cry during an introduction?  If you were my age growing up, there was no greater toil to the prepubescent mind then Miss Winnie Cooper.  This "home video" really drove home the themes of The Wonder Years.  You had the whole dysfunctional family.  The 'take no bullshit' dad, the peppy mom, hippie sister and rat-bastard brother.   Throw in the geeky friend and the girl of every twelve-year-olds dreams, and you got yourself a tour of a great introduction.

And how could I not mention the song?  Joe Cocker gets nostalgic with a little help from his friends and belts out a keeper that resonates with the young and old.  Now if I could only have the moronic robber from Home Alone be my inner-dialogue.....

Baywatch   

                                

This introduction is so good, it needs to be in slow-motion the entire time for our brains to process its awesomeness.  Being a former professional aquatics life protector myself, I understand the peril and dangers of the water.  Good thing every woman on this show had their own set of flotation devices.  Hayo! Rimshot! I'm lonely.

Quantum Leap

My guess is that the majority of you will not remember this sci-fi classic.  However, my brother and I never missed an episode.  The brilliance of this intro is that you can watch it and know exactly what is going on without seeing a previous episode.  

Plus, check out those futuristic threads!  Adults get to wear footsies in the future?  Sign me up for that cryogenic freezing business, and for the love of god, freeze me in this:

Friends 

                               

There's a good chance I'll get my man-card revoked for writing about this, but EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about when I mention the mid-clap, clap, clap, clap break during this introduction.  The precision that had to be taken during the editing of this introduction is crucial.  I'm assuming this is how the creative team discussed the crafting of this intro:

"Okay, on the count of three, they all need open their multi-colored umbrellas at the exact moment the song begins takeoff."

"Right.  Also, Ross has to dance like he has epilepsy and is about to go into convulsions."

"Sounds good, but is there anyway we can dress them as if Boyz II Men just had a major wardrobe malfunction?"

"I think we can swing that.  As long as Matt Le Blanc gets to wear his favorite turtle neck shirt I think we're good."

AND scene.

Get Smart

I have yet to watch this remake with Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway.  Partly because I heard it was garbage and partly because of my fierce loyalty to the original program.  The beauty of this introduction is the changing of cars every season.  You know if Max was rolling in a 1969 Opel GT at the start, you were witnessing the latter episodes, with Max and Agent 99 getting married and having kids.  If he was driving a 1965 Sunbeam Tiger, you were starting fresh at the start.  It's all about the details in introductions.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

A six-pack goes to whoever e-mails me the complete lyrics to this gem.  'Nuff said.

The Sopranos 

                          

Straight from a college essay I wrote (got an A, no big deal):

From the opening credits, one can see a life of constant contradiction. The pale, squeezed knuckles resting upon two bear-like arms. The lazy smoke billowing from a cartoonish cigar, a symbol of menacing power. The non-digenetic music with lyrics of murder and violence. With this intro, one can only think that they are witnessing the introduction of a heinous villain, a man whose moral ideologies are found in the slums and gutters. But the end of the introduction concludes at a suburban, family-welcoming home. So is the life of Tony Soprano, a flawed-antihero whose life is in constant check with the numerous contradictions in his life. Tony must deal with these contradictions every minute, whether it is the battle between his two families, the code he has taken clashing with his therapy treatment, or his own moral feelings, this contemporary mob boss has more issues than his “golden era” counterparts.

Wondering what one does with a degree in communications? You're looking at it.  

The Simpsons

The creme de la creme.  Big Daddy Warbucks.  By far the greatest introduction to a television program EVER.  Thematically, it shows a day-in-the-life of the great town of Springfield. Through the viewpoint of the First Royal Family of TV, we are welcomed by every character in this town and their major malfunctions.  It's a tour of Americana at its finest.  

As if it wasn't already amazing enough, every episode has a unique spin to it.  Bart writing fresh sentences repeatedly and the mad-dash to the sofa differ for each and every episode, giving a genuine unique feeling to every introduction.

                      

Honorable Mentions:

Perfect Strangers

Batman

South Park

Monday Night Football

There you have it.  I'm sure our lists will differ, but if you feel like I missed an obvious one, let me know!

"Oh Shit, It's Handjob"

To Hancock, the World is a very scary place. He is scared of being the only one of his kind, destined to a life of solitude, ambiguity, and being the untapped resource of limitless power. He is scared of fulfilling his destiny, to be the God's savior and leader of humanity. He is scared of his past, uncertain and erased from his memory. It seems as though the only thing that Hancock is not scared of is having the general public hate him with an unbelievable passion.

While the flawed anti-hero Hancock's battle with himself may come out thin and diluted on the screen, Hancock boils down to this: An entertaining summer movie that is flawed with ginormous plot holes, but in the end is saved by great performances from it's main players. As everyone already knows, Hancock is played by a love-him-even-though-you-are-suppose-to-hate-him Will Smith.

As a depressed, alcoholic superhero, Smith is able to show a little Fresh Prince, mixed with a little Robert Nellville, and a side of Alex "Hitch" Hitchens. He has already proven that he is a bonafide star¹ and he plays Hancock like a breeze in the park. His timing is spot on and I will laugh at anyone that is drunk on screen². Smith's portayal as a super hero that is scarred of himself and who he exactly is is a theme that should have been more poignant.

After Hancock saves the life of a struggling PR man, the PR man attempts to fix the public image of a superhero who amasses extreme amounts of damage to a city and gives off an asshole complex from across the city. That PR guy, Ray Embrey, is played by Jason Bateman. You might remember Bateman from Arrested Development, Juno, and Teen Wolf Too. It is Bateman who is the real hero of this flick, bringing the everyman into the film and might be the only one on screen who gives a shit about the well-being of mankind³. Smith and Bateman really click when together on screen and both offer hilarious lines.

As Hancock and his nifty PR main start a campaign that will bring Hancock out of the dog house, the all-mighty curveball is thrown in, Ray Emrey's wife, Mary. Mary Emrey is played by Charlize Theron, the steampot, South African, uber-model turned oscar-winning actress. Let me be honest, Mary Emrey is by far the worst character in the flick, but Theron does the best with what is given to her. There is a point in this film (and that point being when the wheels nearly fall off the entire plot), that left me confused and a little disappointed involving her character.

It is the PR campaign that Hancock goes through that encompasses the best of the film. When the plot strays and goes into a weird, convoluted mythos extravaganza that involves "duels," amnesia and "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" like plot lines, Hancock forgets the point.

When you go to this film, enjoy the Back to the Future like dialogue ("Call me an asshole one. more. time"), Will Smith working on his image, heads being shoved up asses, and the inner turmoil of loneliness. Forget about the "whaaaaaa???" moments and pointless twists.

1. So much so that I forgive him being a Scientologist, Men In Black II, and even Wild Wild West.
2. Especially drunk flying, drunk eating, and drunk putting an SUV on a sky scrapper tower.
3. By the way, as a PR major, it is good to see a positive light to a vastly shunned field of work.

Dave and HBO - Like the Ross and Rachel of Media Relations

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Father Knows Best

I lucked out when it came to parents. They taught me everything I needed to know, and I taught them how many times their son could be handcuffed and/or placed in detention. Half of that equation, my dad, is the most ballin' father ever.

So in honor of pops, here are my top ten fathers in film. Some are good, some are evil. All are fathers.

10. Professor Henry Jones - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

What better way to kick off the list than with Indiana Jone's father, Henry. Played by Sean Connery, the cagey old man was not only banging the same chick as his son, he was the driving force for Indy to grab the grail.

Mix in fighting Nazi's, helping his son relinquish his search for the grail, and drinking from the same cup as Jesus H. Christo, Professor Henry Jones was one good dad.

9. George Banks - Father of the Bride

This dad had a lot on his plate. Handing his only daughter off to some random kid, dropping thousands of dollars for the wedding, and Martin Short's flamboyant character, Franck Eggelhoffer. Did I also mention a blue suit at a wedding? Mr. Banks still pulled it out and gave me one the closest man tear moments for any Steve Martin movie.

Let us not forget about Father of the Bride 2. George Banks knocks up his wifey the same time his daughter is about to pop one out? Give this dad a man-card.

8. Jack Torrence - The Shining

Okay, so he tried to kill his son. Big whoop, want to fight about it? Before chasing his boy down for a beating of epic proportions, Mr. Torrence talked to ghosts, typed the same sentence thousands of times, and went generally batshit crazy. Good dad? No. Good psychopathic killer? Absolutely. Heeeeeeeeerrrrreeeee's a shitty dad!

7. Wayne Szalinksi - Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Having a dad who is a bird-brained inventor has to be some of the most fun on the planet. He had a contraption that looked like a ray-gun that could destroy the world, and he keeps it in the attic, unlocked. Not the best call a dad can make, but let's face it, that was one fun adventure thanks to Mr. Dad himself, Wayne Szalinksi.

And if shrinking the kids was not enough, he blew up his baby a couple years later. Give kudos to the mother one that one though, she saved the day and allowed my pre-pubescent self to oggle at Keri Russell for a little longer than necessary.

6. Don Vito Corleone - The Godfather

Let me make an offer you can't refuse.  This movie father gave his son one of the best gifts possible, control of the most cut throat, deadly mafia in movie history.

Don Vito Corleone was quiet and carried a big stick.  That stick being an uzi and a nack for business.  If only he didn't enjoy oranges so much.

5.  Jason 'Furious' Styles - Boyz in the Hood

Talk about an uphill battle.  How do you steer your only son in the right direction when living in Compton?  Guns, drugs, gangs, and Jason Styles helps his boy grow up into a decent dude.

Fun fact:  Laurence Fishburne, who plays Jason Styles, is only six and a half years older than Cuba Gooding Jr., who plays his son.

4.  Daniel Hillard/Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire - Mrs. Doubtfire

Oh good god.  Robin Williams as a desparate dad who dresses up like a post-menopausal, sweet old nanny for some QT with his kids.  

Over-acting has never been so good.  

3.  Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellam, Jack Holden - 3 Men and a Baby

Talk about the top 3 actors of the 80s.  Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Gutch-Gutch himself, Steve Guttenberg.  You put these three together, and you have one decent dad.

These high-life bachelors were living the good life until one of their girlfriends drops a baby off at their doorstep.  Let the comedy ensue!

Seriously though, these womanizing, go-getters ended up being such successful dads, they opted for 3 Men and a Little Lady.

2.  Darth Vader - Stars Wars

By far the worst father on this list.  What a son of a bitch.  Kidnap your own daughter, strike one.  Cut off your son's arm, strike two.  Add salt to the wound by announcing, "hey by the way, I am your daddy!"  Strike-fucking-three.

Although he does redeem himself in the end, the damage is done.  Homeboy killed nearly everyone he cared about, and did it in a gruesome fashion.  Plus The Phantom Menace was absolutely atrocious.  Shame on you young pade-won.

1.  Clark Griswald - Vacation Movies

Oh Clark.  You tried so hard.  All he wanted to do was have some great family bonding.  While the first vacation ended with one dead aunt, one dead dog, and a hostage situation, Clark's goal was met.  The family made it to Wally World and rode the ride.

Let us not forget the great father-son moment when Clark and Rusty share a beer.  Clark takes a sip, Rusty finishes the rest.

Christmas vacation was almost just as good.  The sleigh ride showed his knack for danger, getting stuck in the attic showed his commitment to surprising his family, and what father wouldn't want his whole family there for the holidays (even if that includes Cousin Eddy).

Big ups to Mike Welch and Kellen Woods for their input on the list.